


Predictable

by Glory_Of_Mars



Category: Bread (TV), Megamind (2010)
Genre: Alien Biology, Alien Cultural Differences, Alien Gender/Sexuality, Alien Sex, Alien Technology, Bread Sex, F/F, F/M, M/M, Multi, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-28
Updated: 2019-11-28
Packaged: 2021-02-18 08:16:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21591334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Glory_Of_Mars/pseuds/Glory_Of_Mars
Summary: Y/N goes an incredible adventure of Mega proportions, sure to blow your Mind. A harrowing tale of love, danger, and bread.
Relationships: Bernard/Megamind, Megamind/Reader, Megamind/Roxanne Ritchi
Kudos: 20





	1. Bad - Prologue

Who was bad?

That was a question you’ve struggled with, grabbed it’s throat, drug into the sand and slapped it silly, only to sink into its arms pathetically. Of course he was bad, you KNEW that. But still, here you were. Yep, that was you, and Megamind, standing there. Oh yeah, and a furiously angry Roxanne Richie wielding a broken bottle of forty and coming at you fast. How did you get yourself into this wacky scenario? Well, to answer that, we need to go back to the beginning.   
To the very beginning!

You were born under the stars that would commonly be known to your people as Sagittarius. 

Switch-up, Now I know what you’re thinking, you’ve been thinking about it since you’ve started reading this novel. Sagittarius’s are all bad people. That’s not entirely true. My brother might have been a murderer, an arsonist, some say flat out crazy, but I’m nothing like him.   
I refuse. I refuse. Time and time again.   
But Mother Destiny, has a funny way of dealing our cards.

Back to the story. You had a good childhood, some would even say great. You were raised in an apartment building, with a nice block of skyscrapers all around, in the greatest on the face of the planet Earth. Metro city!

Life was pretty grand to the degree of fantasticity that could only be dreamt of in fairy tale endings!

Until one fateful day. You see, no one understands anymore. Superheroes aren’t all they’re hyped up to be. I know, I know. “But y/n, you live in Metro City, home to the greatest superhero ever to grace mankind”. Well, he won’t seem that way once I’m done spinning this yarn into your infantile and naive ears.

I was at Subway, eating a double decker sweet onion chicken teriyaki foot-long for only six dollars, as you do. When suddenly, I heard a noise and commotion from outside. A huge machine plummeted and obscured the Subway window for a moment as it screeched across the street, ruining the pavement. It was happening again! An epic battle between the cities only defender and its horrific aggressor. I, like any sensible citizen, ran outside to see the action, dropping my Code Red Mountain Dew in a jumbo container that was only 2 dollars as a side, onto the crispy clean Subway floors. As I arrived, I made a fatal mistake. 

I stepped into the path of a man , nay, an alien, who was ripping through the air at supersonic speeds and he was not stopping for any manner of person. It happened quickly. A quick dazzle of light and then nothing but the blue sky. 

I lay on the street. Every bone in my body: broken. My skin : Scorched. My organs : somehow still functioning, even with the internal bleeding. The internal bleeding gave way to external bleeding and my broken bones gave way to broken feelings. Broken honor, broken hope, broken pro-football dreams but most of all: a broken heart. Above me : A sky aflame with blue.

You’d think that I’d be lucky to live in such a famous city.

But alas, Lady luck is a mistress who has friend-zoned me. It instead became my worst curse.

In the hospital that I had to live at as they replaced all my bones with titanium rods and my organs with defective Volkswagen airbags, that was the view I had. A heart-stopping terror that gripped me every time I saw it. The clear cerulean skies send me reeling in horror.   
The doctors said it was PTSD but I call that PTS BULLSHIT. Metroman did this to me. It should be called Post Traumatic Metroman Syndrome. PTMS.

They warned against triggering the response after finally lowering the blinds. Any sight of the color blue would send my Volkswagen brand lungbags into an adrenaline fueled frenzy. It didn’t help that they had to replace my diabetes monitor with an Apple watch. The circuitry was barely compatible, it couldn’t take much stress from my system.   
It felt horrible. At first, I couldn’t handle any shade of the color. Slowly, over my four year rehab, I became more and more stable. I worked from purples to teals, and finally, every shade of blue except for that light, clear sky blue. It still rattled me every time, shut me up inside, made me rageful and fretful all at once…

...It’s been a couple years since my rehab. I’ve been coping really well. I’m especially excited for today, because it’s the grand opening of the Metroman museum! I still hate the man, but I love a good opening.


	2. This Time it's Serious

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay let's get this wagon rolling.

When I woke up that morning, I departed the apartment, which was not the same one I had grown up in, mind you. My brother had stayed in that old place and I couldn’t stand being near him any longer. However, I was rather relieved to be able to see him again at this opening. He was supposed to be working part of the coverage for it so it’d be nice to check up on how the new job was going for him.   
But say less about my brother.   
I threw on my favorite Gucci brand beige overcoat, a fresh pair of Yeezys, a pair of Levi jeans, and my imitation s*pr*m* t-shirt as I headed out the door.  
The square and memorial pond were absolutely packed by the time I arrived but the pleasant breeze made the man-stink surrounding the area a little better. I tried to find a good place to watch the veil be dropped and muscled through the crowd with another abnormally tall overcoat-clad stranger.   
Hopping up a bit, I tried to find my brother among the crowd but the blaring music interrupted my search. The deafening screams that arose as Metroman came out on stage made my titanium bones ring.   
He did the usual spiel, throwing babies, juggling babies, kissing babies, throwing the babies again. It was so old.

I scoffed under my breath and thought I heard my vertically superior overcoat friend next to me make a small sound of agreement.   
Eventually, the veil did fall and we got to see a magnificent feat of architecture that was wasted on the likeness of a prick.   
I was ready to leave after that, not really in the mood for another vapid speech but then… It happened again.

Not me being run over by Metroman, that would be ridiculous. 

You hear the clouds before it happens. The taller baller overcoat friend next to you reveals themselves as no friend at all. Rocketing a good four more feet in the air, one of Megamind’s brainbots whizzes to front stage as you turn in horror to see the screen turn. It fizzles for a second and then before you know it, every part of your throat burns as the light particles, pregnant with blue gamma rays, collide into your retina. The current blasts its way into your brain and the message is received.   
It’s the shade.  
Sky Blue.  
Megamind’s brilliant blue hue echoes in your soul just as much as his evil laughter does.   
You scramble, you have to, to save your life. It’s hard to breathe as your throat closes up and the panic makes hyperventilating inevitable but you still make the rush to get out of this place. All around you, the crowd’s screams and gasps rise as Roxanne is revealed to have been kidnapped. That actually calms you down just a smidgeon. It’s nice to have something so familiar and predictable in all this conundrum. Up until this point, you’ve been able to avoid actually looking at Megamind, just reading internet articles without pictures has sufficed in the news and you never go outside during fights anymore. Not since… The incident. But now, as you try to abscond, something catches your leg. Oh no! It’s caught in a bear trap!   
You hardly felt it because of the sapphire distraction. Your titanium creaks slightly as you attempt to wriggle out but to no avail. You chance a look back at Megamind. “It’s okay” you lie to yourself aloud. The fight is following it’s usual course and Metroman is attempting to escape Megamind’s trap. They exchange not-so-witty banter and you slam your eyes shut when Megamind announces the sun cannon thingy to be shot. There is a moment of silence before another moment of pathetic banter between the villain and his minion ensues. Desperately trying to breathe steadily again, something escapes you. You feel the air come back as you wheeze through a giggle. You forgot how you used to laugh during these fights. Seeing Metroman give Megamind wedgies, destroy his dumb inventions, obliterate the things he cared about most, it was so enlivening! Before the incident, you could normally laugh so freely about it!

The laughter stops as you hear a series of curses on screen. But from… Metroman?  
I look on in horror as the superhero collides with the copper dome and is seemingly trapped. The crowd is confused. Megamind is confused. As expected, you are confused too.   
Is Metroman, bastard that he is, losing?  
The question can hardly be answered before a blinding light takes out Metroman’s screen. 

For a moment, there is panic on Megamind’s transmission and the crowd holds their breath as a flash of white pummels into the villian.  
However, that flash of white was not only a dazzling suit, but also the bare sun-burnt skeleton inside it. 

All is quiet.

He did it.


	3. Reign of Terror

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How to do a time-skip properly. Take notes, Steven Spielberg.

There is no longer any hope. Evil is running rampant in the streets… and your fear is running rampant in your mind. Everywhere you turn, it’s him. In the newspaper. On TV. Billboards. Vandalized artwork. It’s Blue… Blue, everywhere. It’s Megamind everywhere.

You haven’t known a day of peace since Metro Man died. Megamind has reign over the city, not that he, or anyone else, knows what that means. I am taxed every day by that hideous, blue…

I wake up in cold sweats. There is a window at the foot of my bed. And outside that window, in tricolors, there is a large No, You Can’t sign, one of Megamind’s worst creations. The cold sweats turn into hot sweats whenever I lock eyes with… it.

It terrorizes me. I am dehydrated by breakfast time, not only because it is there, but because my apartment has FOUR (4) windows… and there is a sign outside of Every. Single. One. The room temperature sweats are the worst; you can’t drink them back up.

My Soul itself has not a molecule of water left when I leave for my job. Had my job not been ransacked. My employer at the establishment can no longer pay me my paycheck. The job is not a job. It’s a job. Or, at least, it was. I never particularly loved it. And maybe I disliked more than I loved it. But it was my job. Well, NO MORE! Megamind ruined that too… when will my life stop being ravaged by super heroes… by super villains… BY SUPERS!!!!!

My condition has only worsened, as well as everyone else’s. But my mental situation specifically. The haze of despair thickens daily. There is no direction in which we are going, but I know only the direction of one thing in my life: my hatred. Toward Him. The one behind it aaaaall…

MEGAMIND!!!

My affliction has spread. And I’m not just talking about the rash. I no longer just trigger when I see blue. Megamind himself has wormed his way into my trauma. His visage has burned itself into my retinas, and my Volkswagen-brand heart. When the hospital was still standing, I had to get a catheter, because whenever I saw him, I would, indeed, wet myself. There were no erotics about it; it was done in a purely Puritanical manner.

But this is not a Puritanical story, friend. But I can’t really call you a friend… can I? I hardly know you. And you’re only beginning to know me. And I can’t blame you. I didn’t even really know myself back then…

My life has become a living hell. Everytime I think about him, I get this tingly feeling and I think it might be my diabetes acting up, but I think it might also be hatred.  
Some days I want to look at his face, like some kind of sick masochistic urge to hurt my fragile neural system. I try my best to quell these urges but seeing him in my nightmares, always seems unavoidable on those days.

I writhe in my bed in the morning, under the streets and then one day,I just blacked out.  
When I awoke, I awoke to a different world. One where Megamind was a hero. My elderly neighbor told me that “You’ve been in a coma for a month, and you sure did miss a lot!”  
“Is Megamind gone?”  
“Even better!”  
“Oh!?”  
“He’s the cities new defender! They’ve put up lovely new posters outside, you should see them!”

I fell to my knees. How could my life get any worse?  
I feel like G*d just took a shit on me.

**Author's Note:**

> I'd like to thank my system in my head and all the social justice bloggers, trump supporters, and general public that will send me death threats over this depiction.


End file.
